Speechless,

There are so many things I want to say regards to the Bersih Rally that took place on Saturday, but I can never find the right words to do so. It's like everything I type out doesn't come close to the millions of thoughts rushing through my head when I think about it. I don't normally talk about my day in detail, but I think the 9th of July in 2011 was a day to remember for all of us Malaysians. And knowing myself, I may very well forget it. So this will be a reminder to me in the future.

Saturday was probably not my best day. From the moment I woke up, I just wanted to stay in bed all day and not do anything because I was tired of trying to do so many things and resulting in just feeling passive and unheard. By the time I realised I ought to do something that day instead of just stay in bed, I was hit by a tsunami (not wave) of negative emotions - it wasn't pretty.

I felt so many negative things at one time, it was overwhelming. I got annoyed and frustrated by every little thing, I was snappy, I felt a lot of self-hate which resulted to feeling depressed, I felt uncomfortable, I felt like giving up. It was horrible.

Worry not, dear readers, I suspect it was just my hormones that got out of control (no, it's not that time of the month) because it gets better.

As the day went by, sometime around the late afternoon, I gained more knowledge about what was happening in my beloved country - something I believe will have an impact and make a change. Really, ignorance is not bliss. And I'm very sure of that.

I only found out about what Bersih really was just last week and that it was worldwide on Saturday itself. Because of that, I didn't go to the one held right here in Auckland - proof that ignorance is not bliss; well, to me, at least.

Honestly, with the country in trouble (you should really watch the video, fellow Malaysians (and others if you want to be informed)) and an extremely corrupt government, it's the place I still call home. It's the place I would always go back to. It's the place where the people I love the most are. Malaysia is my country, "my responsibility" (quoteJanice Khaw!).

I miss the beautiful country like crazy and I definitely cannot wait to go back, but I know God has sent me here for a reason - as hard as that is to comprehend and accept. I know that I'll make it through with Him holding my hand all the way.

And while I'm here, I may as well say what else is on my mind right?

For the people who don't know, late last year, I decided I was going to save the environment but I wasn't exactly sure what I would specialize in just yet. And I was so passionate about doing so and so sure that that was what I was going to do with my life. Don't get me wrong though, I still love the environment and nature.

But something's changed over the past six months or so. I'm not as passionate about the environment as I used to be. And I don't think I want to (only) study the environmental problems New Zealand face - which I will study if I decide to do something like environmental sciences in Auckland U.

One thing I know God's definitely given me a heart for is missions. I'm fully aware that everyone is called to be a missionary and that you can do so every single day of your life, but there's something so fulfilling about going out to places and blessing people with what they don't have. God has broken my heart for many, many things - child abuse, the elderly, refugees, the poor and heaps more. After all, Jesus did say "It is more blessed to give than to receive" (Acts 20:35).

I've never really liked making decisions. Especially important ones. Sigh, I dislike being fickle. But I know I'll live because I've got an awesome God to help me make it :)