This Is Your Life,

Inconsistency,

2011-08-20T12:02:00.000+12:00

I apologise, I'm only human.

But it has been a while and quite a few things have happened. However I'm not the kind of person who would write everything down (although I want to remember but forget). I was once told that we, sometimes subconsciously, choose to remember things and that we don't 'just so happen' to remember.

Well, today's a beautiful day and I can't wait to get out of this house. But it's not time for me to go just yet. So in the mean time, I shall blog about whatever comes to my mind.

I honestly can't say I'm starting to love where I am right now. Very slowly getting used to it, but not quite liking it just yet. I'm sure that day will come sooner or later though. But I'm sure that I love Malaysia and have yet to find a place that I'd rather live in.

One thing that I've noticed: you tend to see quite a lot of aeroplanes and helicopters here both in the day and night. Sometimes they're quite close :) You don't really get a lot of that in Malaysia, mainly because the airport is about an hour's drive away from most places and it only takes about twenty to twenty-five minutes to get to the airport here.

Well, that's all I can think of right now (because I just saw two helicopters and an aeroplane). I'll leave you with that.

Oh right. Before I forget (again), this is the quiet place. I find it really calming. Go ahead and click on the link and keep pressing the space bar, I assure you you won't regret it :) Ta.

Inner (annoying) Thoughts,

2011-08-06T23:30:00.000+12:00

Rant-y, annoying post (complaint) up ahead (again). Bare with me, I'm only human and I need to vent. Sad thing is I don't have anyone I can physically vent to here and the internet's capped so Skype is not an option :/

I hate this feeling.

My dad's heading back to Malaysia tomorrow. I mean, I'll see him in October which is not very far away. But, honestly, when he's not around, I feel like such an alien to my step mum and half-brothers. My dad always tries to include me in things so I guess I just feel belonged, in a way - since I've been feeling like I'm just an annoyance.

He's not even gone yet and I already miss him. I can't bring myself to do anything (I don't know if it's because I'm tired though). I have a book to read and a speech to write for English, a chapter of Geography to do and Biology revision - none of which I have even touched. All pretty much needed on Monday, so basically I'm screwed if I don't do anything -.-

A weird thing you ought to know about me is that people can't force me to do things, because I can't even force myself to do things. Kinda sucks, it's like I don't have control of myself.

What kills me is how I'm not as close to him as I used to be. I don't know what happened, maybe I 'grew up'? Because I was really close to him when I was younger. And I just wish I was close to him now. I've been trying to talk to him more and do more things with him, but I still feel quite distant.

But maybe that's what you get when you put two quiet people together? Another annoying thing is how emotional I've been - crying over every little thing. It's so stupid.

Uh, congratulations for reading this far? Haha, you probably think I'm an annoying person who just complains a lot now - and that's really ok! Because that's what my mind's like. Sigh, my life.

Let's Go For A Ride,

2011-07-25T16:26:00.000+12:00

This is a pretty delayed post.

You know how many people say 'life is like a roller coaster'? A few weeks ago, the pastor at my church shared a message about that. What he basically said was that if you think about it, roller coaster's always end at the bottom, where they start and just repeat itself. I know, I know, it's only logical that people get off safely on land, but bare with me.

And that's what the world and Satan want to do to you - build you, feed you with things that give you a high and then proceed to pulling you all the way back down in an instant. I mean, we all have downs in life at times. But the thing about roller coasters is it's sort of like the law of gravity - what goes up, must come down. So basically, if you trust and hope in worldly things, they're going to bring you down sooner or later.

God doesn't want that though. He wants to build us and feed us so that we'll continue to ascend. Sure, it'll be a bumpy ride, no doubt about that. No one said it would be easy, just that it'll be worth it. But if you secure your hope and trust in Him and obey, you will go up.

I get that when most people say their life is like a roller coaster, they just mean the constant up and down part. But just think of it this way, in a different perspective.

P.S. I also didn't feel like doing my Math work just yet. And so a post was formed :D Hehe, peace!

Well Hi,

2011-07-20T01:21:00.000+12:00

I bought my fabric today! *insert picture* My camera battery died and I'm too lazy to charge it or hold up the fabric to my computer screen, heh! Forgot to by fabric chalk though -.- And I haven't managed to get a hold of a new pair of scissors either :/

Anywho, I don't quite feel like sleeping just yet. Also, I'm officially a girl now because I've (finally) watched The Notebook and Dear John. I thought of getting started on my project, but I don't think I'm physically or mentally up for doing something that needs effort - see how much of a lazy bum I am? :P So instead I think I'll rewatch The Notebook or Dear John again.

Term 2 Break Project #1: Coconut Macaroons,

2011-07-17T23:40:00.001+12:00

I've mentioned a certain holiday project, but I've yet to get my fabric and sewing supplies (I regret leaving all my sewing stuff in Malaysia, I had a whole complete kit :/) or get the sewing machine out - it's really heavy and quite frankly, I wouldn't be able to assemble correctly it if the manual isn't there. So if there isn't one (yes, I haven't even checked yet), I guess I could always look for a friend who has a machine and go to their house to complete the project :)

Ok, enough rambling! Onto the food!

I used this recipe from allrecipes.com. If you take a look at it, you'll see it's extremely easy and doesn't take very long at all. They turned out uh, ok, I guess. They didn't brown evenly, as you can see from the pictures below. I think I put the bottom tray too low. But they taste the same so who cares! It's what's on the inside that counts :P

They remind me of tiny chicken nuggets in this picture!

I'd say the photos are a little deceiving - there are a lot more on the plate and these are about the size of a teaspoon. Haha! I think I'm just not very good at taking photographs. But oh well! Also did some ~~splurging~~ shopping today.

Awkward hand on head to show that the shirt is actually squarish!

This top's from Cotton On and it was on sale, so it was $15 after discount (half off). Not bad, I'd say. AND, AND, AND!

So because of this, needless to say...

... I now have three more (good and old) albums! :D

Yeah, ok, I won't go into any details because I just can't be bothered. And it's not very important either. And I. Just. Don't. Blog. Like. That. Hee :D Mmm, good start to the holidays though - fulfilled a small portion of my urge to shop.

Goodnight and goodbye!

Important Things,

2011-07-16T12:02:00.000+12:00

Hi, you need to know that I messed around with my Cbox colours last night for fun.

Ok, I'm off to enjoy my two week break now! :) Bye!

Just A Thought,

2011-07-14T18:30:00.000+12:00

As weird as it sounds, I've been craving to sew. Haha! But seriously, I'm thinking of a holiday project. That is, when I get the sewing machine out of the garage, give it a clean and see if it still works. And practice a little because I haven't sewn in over a year with a machine!

I'm updating on Blogger a lot because I can't go on Tumblr :( My internet's capped (sigh, New Zealand) and since most of the things on my dash are pictures, they take ages to load - or they don't load at all. So there isn't much point of my using it seeing as I can't see half of the stuff.

Ok, that's all!

Something You May Not Have Known,

2011-07-13T22:01:00.000+12:00

I need to shop so badly.

It's horrible what Lookbook, online shops, fashion blogs, ect. do to you! Well, not really. But I'm experiencing a really bad case of the I-have-no-clothes-in-my-closet disease. And this is as bad as it's ever gotten. Sigh, school holidays coming up in a couple of days! :)

And yes, fashion is an interest of mine (surprise, surprise). I'm definitely not as passionate or as knowledgeable about the subject as some people are, and I'm ok with that (because I know I will very obsessed with keeping up with it if I did). I just don't really talk about it much because, sad to say, there aren't many people I can talk about it to.

I love most (I'm picky that way) things asymmetrical, sheer/ chiffon, collared, floral, loose, nerdy, peplum, laid back, different/ unique, minimalistic, bold, layered, texture varied, pastel, monochrome, oh there is so much more. Shoes too, of course - but that may have to be in another post :P

It's quite frustrating though, because out of all the outfits I plan in my head, I don't have half the clothes (or exact body shape for particular clothes) I imagine. And so I definitely need to go shopping. Soon.

On another note, while looking through random blogs I'd never even heard of before, I saw the name Selena twice just tonight. Which was a rare find for me. Haha! But you know, with Gomez all out there, almost everyone's heard of the name (and spelling) Selena. Then again, I think it's just me. I've only ever met Celine's, Celene's and Selene's. Just an interesting thing I thought you readers should know :)

Speechless,

2011-07-12T18:28:00.000+12:00

There are so many things I want to say regards to the Bersih Rally that took place on Saturday, but I can never find the right words to do so. It's like everything I type out doesn't come close to the millions of thoughts rushing through my head when I think about it. I don't normally talk about my day in detail, but I think the 9th of July in 2011 was a day to remember for all of us Malaysians. And knowing myself, I may very well forget it. So this will be a reminder to me in the future.

Saturday was probably not my best day. From the moment I woke up, I just wanted to stay in bed all day and not do anything because I was tired of trying to do so many things and resulting in just feeling passive and unheard. By the time I realised I ought to do something that day instead of just stay in bed, I was hit by a tsunami (not wave) of negative emotions - it wasn't pretty.

I felt so many negative things at one time, it was overwhelming. I got annoyed and frustrated by every little thing, I was snappy, I felt a lot of self-hate which resulted to feeling depressed, I felt uncomfortable, I felt like giving up. It was horrible.

Worry not, dear readers, I suspect it was just my hormones that got out of control (no, it's not that time of the month) because it gets better.

As the day went by, sometime around the late afternoon, I gained more knowledge about what was happening in my beloved country - something I believe will have an impact and make a change. Really, ignorance is not bliss. And I'm very sure of that.

I only found out about what Bersih really was just last week and that it was worldwide on Saturday itself. Because of that, I didn't go to the one held right here in Auckland - proof that ignorance is not bliss; well, to me, at least.

Honestly, with the country in trouble (you should really watch the video, fellow Malaysians (and others if you want to be informed)) and an extremely corrupt government, it's the place I still call home. It's the place I would always go back to. It's the place where the people I love the most are. Malaysia is my country, "my responsibility" (quoteJanice Khaw!).

I miss the beautiful country like crazy and I definitely cannot wait to go back, but I know God has sent me here for a reason - as hard as that is to comprehend and accept. I know that I'll make it through with Him holding my hand all the way.

And while I'm here, I may as well say what else is on my mind right?

For the people who don't know, late last year, I decided I was going to save the environment but I wasn't exactly sure what I would specialize in just yet. And I was so passionate about doing so and so sure that that was what I was going to do with my life. Don't get me wrong though, I still love the environment and nature.

But something's changed over the past six months or so. I'm not as passionate about the environment as I used to be. And I don't think I want to (only) study the environmental problems New Zealand face - which I will study if I decide to do something like environmental sciences in Auckland U.

One thing I know God's definitely given me a heart for is missions. I'm fully aware that everyone is called to be a missionary and that you can do so every single day of your life, but there's something so fulfilling about going out to places and blessing people with what they don't have. God has broken my heart for many, many things - child abuse, the elderly, refugees, the poor and heaps more. After all, Jesus did say "It is more blessed to give than to receive" (Acts 20:35).

I've never really liked making decisions. Especially important ones. Sigh, I dislike being fickle. But I know I'll live because I've got an awesome God to help me make it :)

Slowly,

2011-07-07T23:17:00.000+12:00

Learning how to empathize, still horrible at comforting.

God, I honestly feel quite useless now. Because I don't know what to do or say to make someone feel better. Please, use me. Speak through me, God; speak to me.

Waste Of Time,

2011-06-28T20:41:00.002+12:00

This troubled heartache won't go away

I think there might be something wrong with me
I take a deep breath and maybe I'll stop this shaking
God, please don't forsake me I might be crazy

Am I losing my mind?
Sometimes I feel like things are getting worse in time
If I try, will You open my eyes
And make me a part of You like You're a friend of mine?

Next time I'm losing my mind
I'll remember that to find my way out, it’s just a waste of time
In place of all my mistakes, You've seen through the shadows above me
No one could ever love me like You

If I finish what I started and get swept under the carpet
I'll still be thankful for all You've done
Take a note to remind me that You know where You can find me
I'll probably end up right back here again

Am I losing my mind?
Sometimes I feel like things are getting worse in time
If I try, will You open my eyes
And make me a part of You like You're a friend of mine?

Next time I'm losing my mind
I'll remember that to find my way out, it’s just a waste of time
In place of all my mistakes You’ve seen through the shadows above me
No one could ever love

I'll be everything that You want me to except for perfect
I'm trying hard just to understand Your plan for me
I'll be everywhere that You want me to unless I fall
I'm just trying to get my life back again

So the next time I'm losing my mind
I'll remember that to find my way out, it’s just a waste of time
In place of all my mistakes, You've seen through the shadows above me
No one could ever love me

Next time I'm losing my mind
I'll remember that to find my way out it’s just a waste of time
In place of all my mistakes, You've seen through the shadows above me
No one could ever love me like You

- "Waste Of Time" by FM Static

Another FM Static song yet again, yes. Haha, now I've been listening -- or, just merely hearing this song for years. And I guessed I've never put much thought into the lyrics. Until today. Talk about being slow :P Haha!

Well, it's pretty self-explanatory (with the capital 'Y's in 'you'). Sigh, God is good :)

Yup, so, that's all I have to say for now.

Specific,

2011-06-26T00:51:00.000+12:00

Hmm, I've noticed most of my posts have had one-word titles. Oh well!

Anyway, I've never understood how people have the 'that-colour/ size/ pattern/ style/ texture/ etc.-was-sold-out' excuse when they buy something they don't quite like - even if they do like it but would prefer it in another colour/ size/ pattern/ style/ texture/ etc. I mean, I understand it. But I don't understand why they'd still buy it (this usually applies to things that are bought, you see).

I'm really specific so that never happened to me. There are times where I think to myself "Should've gotten that colour/ size/ pattern/ style/ texture/ etc. instead." but meh, it happens to everyone. Just not necessarily all the time, of course.

But yeah, I just wouldn't get it if it weren't in a colour/ size/ pattern/ style/ texture/ etc. that I want. It really boggles me how people can also say "It was the closest colour to ________." Then again, maybe it's just me. Hee :)

Yup, just a random thought/ rant. Plus my blog was looking a tad too um, 'unhappy'. Ok, goodnight!

P.S. I really don't know why I always blog at night, before I sleep :/

Outburst,

2011-06-21T20:18:00.000+12:00

... Hi.

I'm not sure why my emotions are so, weird. And uncontrollable. And recently been a lot more intense. Not liking this one bit :/ And it's not even close to that time of the month!

I think I'm just doomed with wonky emotions now :| No excuses needed.

Letters I'd Never Send (Part 2),

2011-06-21T17:14:00.002+12:00

Dear you,

We were pretty tight when we were younger. And when I say 'younger', I don't mean very long ago. Then we started to drift apart, saw each other less, wanted different (and secretly the same) things. I was inspired to grow closer to God and I'm not sure where you went, but we weren't on the same path, that's for sure. I am not saying I'm 'holier' than you or any of that nonsense, just that we simply wanted different things. And I blame myself at times because we were so close and, I wouldn't say you relied on me, but I was your somewhat 'counsellor' when you went through that tough phase. And I didn't hate being there for you, in fact I wish I held on to you longer. I mean, I see where you are now and maybe you are happy, I don't know. I admit, I did push you away for my own selfishness, but don't say you didn't because I almost never saw you after that.

We went through and did some pretty stupid things, but they were memories nevertheless and they've made me who I am today. But the thing that probably hurt the most though, was when after I-don't-know-how-many years, I tried rekindling that fire that was our friendship which you responded to quite happily for a brief moment, you just ignored me. I'm a fool for thinking we could ever be proper friends again. But who knows what may happen in the future. I'm sorry for bothering you, I sincerely hope you have a fantastic life.

Much love,

me.

Please,

2011-06-21T00:37:00.001+12:00

I don't know why this is bugging me so much, but please, don't do it. Just don't.

Father's Day,

2011-06-19T21:59:00.000+12:00

Well, it's not father's day in New Zealand (at least I don't think it is because no one has said anything about it here) - ok, I just checked; it's the first Sunday in September. But it's father's day in Malaysia (and tonnes of other countries in the world), nevertheless!

Happy father's day :)

I wish I were closer to my Dad. It's not that I've pushed him away or that he's ignored me. My Dad's generally a quiet person, but of course, around friends and people he's somewhat loud. And I'm like that too - definitely my father's daughter. So the thing is, when you put two quiet people together, it doesn't necessarily make wild party; it makes it even more quiet and awkward, at times. But I know he loves me.

Honestly, I envy people who are close to both of their parents (I'm only close to my Mum - as in, really close). I know, I have a Father in heaven who is the absolute greatest!

But somehow, it's just not the same. I went for a camp last year, it was youth camp and it was different because for the first time, they made an all boys one and an all girls one. Needless to say, I went for the girls one. And one of the things the speaker (Pastor Angie Lim) talked about was how a girl always, always, always longs to be loved by her father.

My Dad's a practical man and he never spoiled us, we got things we needed when we needed them. He's pretty amazing, I just wish we were closer. I wish I were able to talk to him like I talk to my mother.

I don't think it's any of our faults. It's just that we're both quiet people and the quietness adds up, in this case, instead of cancelling each other out sadly. But hey, we can't have it all in life now, can we?

Anywho, happy father's day, Dad (if you're reading this and I'm pretty sure you're not but oh well). I love you.

I Feel Like Posting Up A Picture,

2011-06-18T21:48:00.001+12:00

My friend, Sangeetha, and yours truly

This is one of the most recent pictures I've taken (because we took a few more that day). We were being rebels in Bio :P In our defence, we did do work before going on to cameroid.com to take some pictures.

We were supposed to look up some information on the internet, you see. So we were given netbooks to use for that period to share.

Yeah, so, um, hi there :) And goodbye.

P.S. Our jumpers are actually dark green, not navy. I can't remember what sort of lighting there was - whether it was natural or artificial. But it was weird, we were laughing about how they were blue instead of green. Because we're cool like that. Yup, ok, just saying.

Fact,

2011-06-18T17:41:00.001+12:00

I will never call my step mum my mother, neither will I call my step dad my father.

I don't really know how some people can (or in some cases, are even forced to). Maybe it's just the step parents I have - they don't treat me like their own kids, and I'm absolutely fine with that (to be honest I wouldn't even want them to).

My step parents could definitely be worse, so I'm thankful they aren't. But they cannot compare to my biological parents. Not now, not ever.

*EDIT: Do I sound angry/ pissed/ unhappy? If I did, I wasn't and I'm not :) Haha, just making sure my blog doesn't look like it's a dump for my weird waves of negative emotions. That's all!

Blah,

2011-06-15T19:56:00.000+12:00

*WARNING: Annoying, pissy rant up ahead. Proceed with caution.

I wish my room had a lock. I feel so unsafe and privacy deprived. I mean, yeah, there are people who don't even have their own rooms let alone a door. But still, I just want to not be in this house with only these people. I feel like such a stranger here and I feel like someone, anyone can just barge into my room at any time. Which sucks because some people have no manners and don't know how to knock.

I'm pretty sure this is just my dumb hormones acting up at the moment, but oh well.

I have a Bio test tomorrow and I don't know anything about the topic. Either my teacher's not very good or I just don't get the way she teaches at all. It's probably the latter, but there are people in my class who don't understand either so.. We're all weird that way? I don't know. But I suppose I should channel this horrible feeling towards studying. Let's give it a go, shall we?

Meh. Ok, bye.

Letters I'd Never Send,

2011-06-11T22:32:00.000+12:00

Dear you,

I honestly wonder how you're doing or what you're doing every day. I wonder if you're ok. I wonder if you ever think about me, as pathetic as if sounds. I miss you. There are so many things that remind me of you because you've been such a big part of my life, even though we barely talk now. So I stay passive and just, wonder. Because for some reason or another, I keep telling myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would at least make an effort - even if it's a tiny. But still, even though I try to initiate a conversation, it doesn't end up going very far and it feels like you don't even want to talk to me. I get that things change and people change. But what happened? Why did we stop talking all of a sudden when we used to be so close? It's like I don't even know you any more and even though I try to, I feel you pushing me away. You know I love you, but I'm on the verge of giving up. It's not that I'm not willing to try, I'm just so worn out. But I'll tell you this: I would definitely make an effort if you did, because I feel so much pain just thinking about how close we were and how far apart we are now.

Much love,
me.

Dear Self,

2011-06-06T23:32:00.000+12:00

stop procrastinating.

I really have to finish things I start. Blog posts, letters, emails, books, you get my drift. I have so many drafted things that need finishing up it's insane. I don't like that it's all unfinished, but knowing myself, once I try to finish it up, I end up changing the whole thing and again leave it hanging and hence, doesn't get done. It's a truly horrible cycle :/

On another note, I've finally decided what to do with my hair! :) Of course, I have to get my parents' permission first, but deciding is the first step of the process. Well, to me, it is. Because if I ask before I decide, it usually takes a while and by the time I'm done deciding, my parents forget I've asked them. So deciding first, for me, is just easier.

I want to grow it out about 3 inches longer (if possible) and then dip dye about 6 inches green/ turquoise :) Heh heh heh. But I'm probably only going to do it when I get back to Malaysia, so I may have changed my mind by then. We'll see what happens, I suppose.

Ok, goodnight!

Yuck,

2011-06-04T15:46:00.000+12:00

I want to sweat so badly. I mean really sweat. The kind of sweat where you're literally drenched in your own sweat. The kind you get after hours of cheer practice. I want to be thankful to feel the cold because of all the sweating and the heat. I want to be able to be content with the way I feel and look again.

Not that it really matters how I look to other people since I'm bundled up in clothes, it's just a personal thing. There was a period in my life where I felt good about myself physically. And I want to feel that way again.

This could very well be my hormones working up as it's now that (stupid) time of the month, however I do know a part of me feels like this. Whether it's a small or big part is another story that I've not heard of. But really, most days I'm disgusted with the way I look now.

I think this is some weird phase I'm going through.

P.S. I really, really, really dislike how shallow and vain this post seems.

Not So Keen,

2011-06-03T22:18:00.000+12:00

Wow, here we are. June of 2011, the halfway mark.

I have mixed feelings about this year passing so fast. Not because I'm not looking forward to going back. I am. A lot. But because I don't really know what I've accomplished these past five months.

You might say it's a little early in the year to start reflecting upon the year, but I just can't not. I feel like I've just gone through these months just, alive but not living.

They call it 'Sweet 16'. But I'm really not looking forward to my birthday. I have a feeling it's going to be very, very awkward somehow :/ Maybe because I'll be seeing people on that day who aren't very close to me, and I'm not the kind to go around and say "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!"

Well, you know, another year older, another year wiser. But meh, I'm really not looking forward to my birthday this year. I don't think turning 16 is a very big deal, to be honest. What is it? Being able to drive in some countries? Because that's about all I can think of.

Sigh, June's usually my favourite month of the year.

40 Hour Famine,

2011-05-27T19:37:00.000+12:00

So the pancake thing didn't work out :/ My step mum made crepes this morning so yes. But! I shall have them tomorrow since gas stoves apparently aren't considered technology (bare with me).

I'm doing the 40 Hour Famine this year! :) Fasting technology, lunch and dinner (because technology itself would be too easy and food by itself would be too tough). No, it's not that intense, but intense enough, I think. Mmm, yes. Starting 8pm tonight (very soon) and ending 12pm Sunday.

See you then, technology, lunch and dinner! :D

I'm Excited For Tomorrow,

2011-05-26T20:12:00.002+12:00

WANNA KNOW WHY? WANNA KNOW WHY??

I'm going to make myself pancakes :) Since we get late starts on Fridays and because my step mum made pancakes for breakfast the other day - they were pretty yuck, because they were those instant one-step pancakes. And it didn't taste good at all to my taste buds.

Then again, I've been spoilt with an amazing cook as a mother (who's in Malaysia now :( but I will see her soon!). But still. Milk, self-raising flour and eggs are not very hard to combine yourself (I should know because I'm not very good at cooking).

Mmm, yeah. Pancakes from scratch FTW :D Actually, anything from scratch tastes better. I've heard especially this tastes tonnes better fresh:

Yes, pasta! I LOVE Italian food and I really want to try pasta from scratch. Yeah, despite the fact my mum's a really good cook, we never really made our own pasta. BUT BECAUSE I'M SO DESPERATE I'VE GOOGLED IT. It actually seems pretty easy to make - basically eggs and flour, but it's the technique that's a 'challenge'. And I will hopefully try it one day.

Heh, don't you just love food posts? :)

Hmmm,

2011-05-21T21:27:00.000+12:00

I thought that was the past. I thought I was done. I thought -- I don't even know what I'm thinking now. You don't understand, dear reader? That's ok. Useless post? Yes. Goodbye? Mmm, goodbye.

Just One Of Those Nights,

2011-05-16T20:21:00.000+12:00

Those cold nights where a massive wave of emotion randomly crashes onto you for no reason. Yes, I despise them with a passion. To put it bluntly, I feel sad and I don't know why. Most of the time when I feel sad, all I want to do is curl up in bed.

At this time on almost any other day, I would do it in an instant, I swear. But unfortunately, procrastination has yet to leave me and I have to finish up a project that's due tomorrow and I'm barely halfway. Which is just great, because I'm not even sure I'm doing it right.

I. Feel. So. Horrible.

Sigh, I know that I said I didn't want to dump all my emotional junk here, but I honestly am too tired to write anything out on paper and Blogger's probably the 'safest' place to just vent because not many people (I'm convinced that no one does though) read my blog daily. So I won't get a bunch of people commenting and asking if I'm ok because honestly, I'm just emotionally retarded. Haha, no, seriously. I am.

I become all meh for no reason. How can you tell me that isn't weird? If you really think it isn't, please enlighten me (but I'm weird in general already so it wouldn't make much of a difference if this didn't make me weird, heh).

Whee, I wish I didn't feel sleepy and still had the ability to stay up till 2am and wake up at 7am. It's weird, I can't sleep very late here or wake up very early. Actually, it doesn't seem that weird. Because I don't have much to look forward to here anyway. Ok, ok, stopping now.

Revival,

2011-05-14T11:38:00.000+12:00

I've decided I'm not going to make this blog a dumping site for all my 'emotional baggage'! It doesn't deserve it. This time, however, I won't delete anything (as I've done countless times in hopes of starting with a clean slate).

I think it's important, in a way, that I should be able to look back at this one day and read what 16-year-old me used to think and feel. Just because :) I'm going to try to make this an online journal, even though I don't journal that much.

Also, I find that not many people blog very much any more. Which kinda makes me want to blog. Heh :)

Hmm, so! I should talk about my week eh?

I'll start with what I remember the best, yesterday I watched Red Riding Hood. With my English class and a couple of other English classes too. It was a 'field trip'. We have to write a review on the movie :) It was pretty cool because we left at lunch which means English (and lunch) was in the cinema yesterday!

However, the movie was well, not very much to my liking at all. The most I liked was how good Max Irons looked in it :P (No, don't Google him. It does no justice. He looks good in the movie! Watch the trailer, he's the guy with light brown hair.) I won't say any more, just that, it's almost as bad as the Twilight series. Not as bad because no one looks like a druggie with dirty hair. Yes, I just called Robert Pattinson that... *runs and hides under a rock*

Ok, moving on to other things.

Um, I tried going for a jog this evening. It ended up becoming a walk, again. Sigh, I wonder how long I'll stay this unfit :( Well, I always have been pretty unfit. Just never to this extend and and so I intend to be as fit as I used to be/ more fit than I was by the end of this year. Yes, the end of the year. Ok, maybe November.

I won't make my target any closer because I don't want to stress my body out. Also because I think if it's any closer, I'd have to start hardcoring and I don't think I'm very keen on that. Haha, I'm aware that consistency is key. So I will do my very best to exercise at least three times a week. I've exercised (if you can even call it exercise, it's so hard to sweat here because it's cold and I don't go to a gym) twice already this week.

Well, I think this should be long enough for one post :) Goodbye now!

Mother's Day,

2011-05-08T23:09:00.002+12:00

Came up on my Tumblr dashboard as I was writing this post. Seemed almost too relevant.
Credits.

God, this is so, so, so, so incredibly hard. I know You have a perfect plan, but wow, I'm almost to my limits here. Incredibly desperate to just blow my money on a plane ticket now, without bothering about school.

Tonight was only the second time I've Skyped with her though. My sister was there too this time. But yes, second time in roughly four months. There is a (somewhat) valid reason to that however.

The first time, I couldn't even turn on my webcam. Because I didn't want her to see me cry because she might cry and I never want to see her cry. Tonight as we were saying goodbye, she burst into tears. Which ultimately made me burst into tears too. It felt horrible.

It felt/ feels like my heart is literally aching. It actually hurts. Yes, physically. It isn't in my head, mind you. This is the worst feeling in the world, I'm not kidding. I just can't explain it very well. Then again, I'm not too good at explaining in general.

While everyone was wishing their Mum's on the internet, I just couldn't bring myself to update my Facebook status with it or Tweet about it or even say it on Tumblr because it's not enough. Not even close.

I don't know what to say if people ask me, "So what did you do for Mother's Day?". But I will most probably say, "Went to church in the morning, spent the afternoon alone, went for a jog (walk) in the evening and Skyped with my Mum at night," and I'm very sure that they wouldn't know how to respond and it'll be awkward. Either that or I start bawling my eyes out (and if you know me well enough, I'm usually not the one to cry easily (or even at all sometimes)) because I think about how much I miss her.

I haven't been crying myself to sleep every night because it's like they say, 'out of sight, out of mind'. I don't want that to be the way I cope - not thinking about everyone back home. I wouldn't want to feel this way all the time either. But I think for now, for the rest of today, a lot more (in addition to the big amount I already have) tears need to be shed.

Sigh, Goodnight and happy Mother's Day.

P.S. I think I use Blogger solely for all these emotional posts now and I'm not sure why. For random people passing by, I'm not depressed, I just don't post happy stuff here because when I'm happy I get really excited. Hence, ignoring Blogger :P

Easter,

2011-04-27T23:26:00.000+12:00

Rather delayed, but better late than never right?

I just had a look at an Easter album someone from my (previous) church put up on Facebook. And I kept thinking to myself, "If I were still in Malaysia, I'd be doing that and I'd be in that photo or maybe meet that person and..." it goes on. I even thought about what I would've worn if I were there. Judging by that one photo album, it looked amazing. There was a skit too, I think. That had some dancing. But I don't know what it was about (besides the fact that it had to do with Easter), or what really happened. I miss so many of them so, so much.

There's no doubt I've felt lonely here. Heck, my Easter was basically spent alone. I went to church alone even though I sat with friends, I ate lunch alone, I bussed home alone and I came back to an empty house on Sunday. I just don't feel like I belong here and I wonder how long it'll be till I feel like I do. Because living here is permanent for now. I know how ironic that last sentence sounded, but bare with me.

Honestly, I thought living here would be great. Sure, there are SOME ups. They just don't quite make up for the downs, not even close.

Home is not where you were born. It's not where your citizenship lies. It's not the house you grew up in. It's not where your relatives are. I think I've convinced myself that home is wherever you are with the people you love. Home is feeling safe and protected and loved and, comfortable. Whether we like it or not, we have to grow up and leave home some day. I just hate that I had to do it so soon. I like Peter Pan, especially the not growing up part. But there is no Neverland or pixie dust, all we have is faith and trust. (Wooh! Unleashing my inner poet! Hahaha! Yes, I had to sidetrack from all the negativity for a bit.)

I've been through some stuff as a kid that most people I know haven't. (No, no, not any sort of abuse; more like a divorce BUT) The way I (or, God, actually) dealt with it was different. What I went through made me more mature in certain areas compared to my peers. I often had older friends (not that much older though ( like two to four years older, it was a range)) and couldn't quite relate to what the friends my age were going through. Unfortunately when I was 12 I went through a slight 'emo phase', but doesn't everyone at some point in their life?

Ok, I don't even know where I'm going with this post any more. So I think I'm just going to sleep now.

The Truth,

2011-04-15T22:59:00.000+12:00

I thought I felt like blogging tonight. But it seems I have nothing in particular I would like to write about.

Term break's FINALLY here. Got quite a bit of homework for these two weeks. Sigh. Hoping to go to Starbucks to get some assignments that need to be done on the computer done with the inspiring smell of fresh coffee. I don't know why, but it's almost impossible for me to do work in this house. There's nothing inspiring, I've gotten pretty bored with the view from my window already :/ Also, it kinda feels like I have school tomorrow or something even though today's a Friday. Hahaha!

Um, that's all I got now. I'm pretty sleepy so, goodnight, non-existent readers! :)

So That Didn't Work Out,

2011-03-25T19:24:00.000+13:00

Oh, you know. The whole eating healthy thing. It's not like I didn't try, but I just wouldn't starve myself to be healthy since there's almost no healthy food in my house. Plus today I had a Big Mac and an ice-cream after school :P Hehehe! Yeah, giving up food doesn't work with me.

Sigh, that's what you get when you grow up in a country such as Malaysia - pretty much food-orientated, if there's nothing to do, you grab a bite with your buddies, then see a movie, then eat some more, then maybe walk around the mall a bit. And then eat again. Haha!

But there aren't many obese people in Malaysia. Compared to Europe and America, of course.

Meh. Exercise! Don't fail me ok!!

That is, when I get to it. Soon, soon. TEE HEE! OKTHXBAI!

Somebody's Back,

2011-03-23T21:11:00.000+13:00

Hello! It didn't feel like one week. Kinda felt like only three days :/ But oh well!

Hmm, let's see. I've gained a lot of weight. Seriously. I don't weigh myself because the weighing scale's broken (my youngest brother who's three jumps on it so yup) and because I don't care how much I weigh, since muscle's heavier than fat and all. I usually 'measure' myself by the tightness of my clothes - and these clothes haven't just been put in the dryer or anything. They were clothes that used to fit perfectly. Now they're extremely tight and some don't even fit!

I've been eating a lot at home. And there's almost nothing healthy in this darn house -.- I seriously wish I did the grocery shopping here. There'd be tonnes of fruits and veggies and healthy things. But noooooo. There's junk food -.-

I'm not overreacting when I say I'm almost quite disgusted when I look at my body in the mirror now. I've gained so much weight in such a short period of time, it's not even funny. This is going to be a tough challenge. I'm going to:

only eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm not.
drink only plain water and my strawberry infused green tea.
snack on fruits/ healthy things.
cut down my chocolate/ sugar/ lolly intake.
(try to) exercise (daily somehow).

Ok, that's all I can think of so far. Sure, I wanna lose weight and fit into my clothes again, but more than that I want to be healthy. We shall see how that works out!

My guess is that I wouldn't be able to resist food. But let's be optimistic and hope for the best! Haha :)

One Week,

2011-03-14T22:54:00.000+13:00

I'll be fasting Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter AND Blogger for a week :)

I know, it's not like I post ALL THE TIME, but it's still a distraction. You see, the internet's been taking quite a lot of my time these days and I need to focus on God and my studies right now. Lots of tests coming up and such. Plus a break is healthy :) I think I'm becoming (or already am) addicted to these social networking sites and frankly, I don't want to be addicted to them.

You know how they say people who spend too much time on the computer have no social life? Well for nearly three months, as childish as it might sound, I was almost convinced I was on the internet so much because the only access to mine was THROUGH it. I miss everyone back home a little too much, I think. But I'll still be checking my email because you know, emails make the world go round. Ok, no, but they're important!

Hmm, yup, that's all I wanted to say. 7 amazing days to go :) Till then!

This Is Odd,

2011-03-06T13:23:00.002+13:00

Wow. There's no Topshop (Well, there's a so called Topshop, but it's all the super high end stuff - plain T-shirt's $100+. So it's not really counted to me. The tags don't even say 'Topshop', it's the name of various designers. If I'm not mistaken, there's only one of every item. Different sizes, but only one. So yeah, THAT high end.), Forever 21, Warehouse, Miss Selfridge, Zara or Dorothy Perkins in Auckland.

Not that I shop very frequently in those shops. But, I thought Malaysia was slow. Auckland's even slower when it comes to shopping. MADNESS, I TELL YOU.

Cotton On here is pretty small too, not much stuff. KL had more! :(

On another note, I feel like spending money in a Nike store. I've been in need for a good pair of track bottoms and sports shorts for a while now. And my eye's been on this bottle:

But in turquoise :) :) (sooooooo pretty!) I think it's cheaper here, $15. Since I won't be spending a lot on regular clothes and such. Hmmm, yes? No? Oh, I'm contemplating because it'll be my own money for this stuff. Autumn/ Winter clothes won't be my money if I get any :P Haha!

Also, my friends say Starbucks is about $5 a cup or something. They're not sure 'cause they don't drink Starbucks. But, if a bottle of plain water is $3, I'd rather spend a couple more dollars and get myself some Starbucks, wouldn't you? Well, it makes sense to me anyway. But maybe that's because I kinda really want to quench my thirst for Starbucks. Hehehe!

I think one of these days, I might just take myself out shopping. Hopefully I won't be all awkward by myself. Haha! :)

Small Things Make All The Difference,

2011-03-01T22:40:00.000+13:00

How clichéd is my title huh??? Haha! But really, as clichéd as it may be, it's true.

Yesterday was such a long day (I think it was because it was a Monday, I don't know), but during last period, this girl who is generally loud in one of my classes went "Hi Selena!", which isn't new in any way at all; but then she turned to the girl next to her and 'whispered' "She's so pretty aye?". I put the word 'whispered' in quotation marks because it appears as if she was whispering, but it was rather loud and she knew I was looking at hear. It was like she wanted me to know and she wanted to say it; but indirectly to my face. It'd be cool if she had the guts to say it to my face, but nevertheless, it made my day :)

And today, as crazily tiring it was (ok, maybe it wasn't that tiring, but I was really tired), one thing made my day. One of my friends told me that she keeps forgetting that I'm new because I seem to fit in really well apparently and I'm not completely lost around school, I know my way around and such. Well, for those of you who are/ were worried about my fitting into a new school, I think I'm alright. Haha!

Also, I'm starting to like one more thing about myself - my sense of direction. Quite a few people have said to me "You're sense of direction's not bad/ pretty good." (in my head, whenever someone says that to me, I add "... for a girl." because apparently girls are stereotyped to have a bad sense of direction for some reason). I thank God for blessing me with this ability :) Besides everyday use, I'm not sure what I'll do with this gift, but I will use it for His glory! Yes, I'm aware of how ironic that last sentence sounds, but I meant with my career in the future and stuff.

Ok, I'm sleepy now. Really sleepy. Goodnight!

Well I Don't Know Why I'm Still On The Computer,

2011-02-27T09:57:00.001+13:00

I woke up an hour and 15 minutes ago. The first thing I did was use my laptop. I think I need help. And a shower to fully wake me up.

Just thought I'd update my blog before I do so!

P.S. I gotta feeling *dum dum dum dum dum dum* that today's gonna be a good day, that today's gonna be a good day, that today's gonna be a good, good day.

P.P.S. I'm not a big fan of The Black Eyed Peas. Or, at all, in fact. The song just seemed to 'fit'. Haha, ok, really, shower time!

Hello You,

2011-02-26T12:08:00.000+13:00

Yes, you, reading this right now :)

I'm actually surprised you are, but at the same time glad. Also confused. Haha, unless you're a random person and it's your first time here. Because I think my blog's rather boring. I would say I've 'abused' it by only turning to it when I feel like I have to complain or rant about something. Yeah, sure, there are happy posts here and there.

This blog's been through a lot. Unfortunately, it's all been deleted. At times I regret deleting all of it, at other times I'm fine with it. I think the main reason I wanted to delete all of it was to 'start over' and have a clean, fresh blog. Most (all, actually) times it doesn't turn out like I want it to. But hey, life never goes your way, it goes His.

My iTunes decided to play this song right now:

Something in my heart
Is burning like a fire
I want to live for You

I need Your touch right now
Fill me with Your power
Power to live for You, my God

I will not be moved
I will stand for You

I will go where You send me
Jesus, take me now I am Yours
I am Yours

I lay my life on the altar
Everything I give to You alone
Here I am
Here I am

Here I am, send me

(I will go for You, I will go for You)

- "Here I Am" by Planetshakers

Not tonnes of lyrics, but some of the most meaningful lyrics I've heard in a single song. I don't know about you, but it's incredible how much this song inspires me. I was having a pretty uninspiring morning today, and last night too. Felt really bummed about not being home with the people who went through really tough times with me.

But this song made me remember, that I was sent. Ask anyone, it was never my choice to come to New Zealand. I know I accepted it. At first of course, I didn't feel like it but as I prayed about it after my Dad talked about it, I just felt that it was His will for me to go. And I can't believe I forgot that easily. That I've been so selfish about being here. That I forgot who I was living for.

It's scary knowing that you can fall pretty far relatively fast. That if you let your guard down for a split second, the devil comes sprinting to attack you without a second to spare. My guard's going to be up now 24/7 even stronger!

God, thank You for making me realise. I'm sorry I was distant, even for a little while. It doesn't matter how long or how short that period of time was, I know that You'll be there, waiting for me to run back to Your warm embrace. I love You, Lord.

Well, would you look at that. A simple post to my (non-existent (except for Eugenia :D)) readers turned into a pretty therapeutic post! :) I serve an awesome God.

Starbucks,

2011-02-25T23:25:00.000+13:00

I kinda miss Starbucks a lot. So far, I've seen a total number of 2 outlets - one in the city and one about a 15 minute drive away from the house. Both look equally hectic, but maybe it's only because I've seen them on weekends.

I miss those Starbucks shops that were almost empty with smooth, soothing Jazz playing in the background, amazing aroma of freshly brewed coffee and fast WiFi. I think there were just too many outlets in PJ/ KL itself which is why most were pretty quiet. I just want to go to one with my laptop, a good book to read (just in case the internet gets boring, and it will), my 'Moo Trust Book' (which is really just a pretty notebook filled with my rants and whatnot) Janice, my amazing friend, gave me and a pen/ mechanical pencil.

Really, just imagine, one whole day of just putting all your worries aside and relaxing. It's not that I'm buried in homework or anything, it's just kinda tough adapting to a whole new environment that's almost the exact opposite of what you've lived with for all of the life you've lived that you can remember.

One day, I'm going to do that. I'm just not sure when. So Starbucks deprived :( Sighhhh!

The World Spins Madly On,

2011-02-21T20:33:00.000+13:00

I woke up and wished that I was dead

With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed

I thought of you and where you'd gone
Let the world spin madly on

And everything that I said I'd do

Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you

I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

I woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on

And the world spins madly on

- "World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies; 'Thought Of You' video by Ryan Woodward

This video is AMAZING. I could watch it over and over and over again. I also really like the song :) Good stuff!

I'm Tired,

2011-02-18T23:18:00.000+13:00

So very tired. I don't know why, but I don't think I've ever been this tired and unmotivated.

I just feel so drained of energy so fast. I've been 'exercising' daily - walking to school and back every day. Doesn't daily exercise make you more energetic? Today was a beautiful day, but I couldn't help but feel... Odd. Ironic, isn't it?

Not the best feeling in the world in case you were wondering. Just really, not.

Definitely out of my comfort zone here. But being out of your comfort zone is part of what life is, isn't it? Sigh. God, please help me.

Strange Feeling,

2011-02-08T17:53:00.001+13:00

I've probably only had three full days of school so far, yes, only three. But it feels like forever. It's incredible how slow-paced life is here and how different my everyday life is here. It's so quiet here, it's made me quiet. No, seriously. I thought I was (relatively) quiet back home, but ever since I've started school, I've realized how quiet I can get. I'm scared to raise my hand in class, because I hate it when everyone's looking at you and listening to what you have to say.

Ok, I know that last sentence sounds really odd. But I truthfully don't like all the attention, it's just way too much. But of course, like every other human being, I like being heard... I just don't like being heard in that way. Maybe I'm just insecure and care too much about people judging me.

Only three days of school (not even a week!), and already I feel like giving up. I can't possibly learn the whole Year 11 Chemistry syllabus in less than a week. And I need to know it. I don't understand what's being taught in class. And honestly, I've never felt so stupid in my life. Yeah, every cloud has a silver lining, but the silver lining looks pretty tiny compared to the cloud in this case.

I also feel like I don't know so much in Geography. Because all I was taught was Malaysian Geography. That's it. And we're studying what's close to World Geography now. Yes, it's interesting, but I know nothing. My general knowledge of Geography is horrible. Why did I take Geography? Because I want to do something environment-related next time. And so I need Geography. You can't save the environment without knowing what it is, can you?

English, Mathematics and Biology are fine so far. But I seriously am so frustrated at Chemistry I could cry.

Also, you know how when you're frustrated and feel as if you have a lot of things to say but then can't because you're too frustrated and all you can say is "UGH!"? Yeah, well, I feel like that now.

Thank you, Blogger for letting me vent a little. I can't say I feel better just yet though. But thanks.

I Just Can't Help But Think,

2011-01-28T15:30:00.000+13:00

On a cold and rainy afternoon, with better things to do like wrap my school books or iron my uniform beforehand or tidy up a little, I'm staring at the screen of my laptop, occasionally turning my head towards the window just to see the sky entirely covered with light gray clouds - it's really just all gray, almost white - and just thinking. Thinking about multiple things just because. One question I've been juggling around in my mind is: What would I be doing right now if I were still in Malaysia?

Things would be so different, perhaps too similar until it's different.

I wouldn't be looking forward to fall (because there is no fall in Malaysia), to seeing how interestingly people would dress (they don't dress very decently now :/ ), to wearing knee-high socks (for school), coats, scarves and layers of clothing. I wouldn't be so excited to see my dad tonight (yes, he's coming! :) ) because I'd see him almost every day. I'd be complaining about the heat. I'd be going our A LOT more with friends and stuff. I wouldn't be thinking about dying my hair (Not sure if I can next year, because next year I don't need to wear a uniform any more if I stay in the same school! I can now :) But only natural colours.).

I wouldn't be missing so many people. I wouldn't be talking to some people as much if I weren't here. And others, we'd be talking a lot more than we are right now. I wouldn't be too worried about school, because it's just continuing from last year with the familiar faces and system and environment. I wouldn't be thinking so much about my future because back in Malaysia, you wouldn't need to until after college, which could take a couple of years or so. Plus the two years left in high school. Everything was pre-set there, you just went with the flow of it all, laid-back without a care in the world besides the homework you've yet to complete.

What I would give to feel that carefree again, to not think about University, to still not know what exactly do to and be ok with that.

But everything does happen for a reason, I think it just takes some time to see that reason. Although sometimes, we never do know the exact reason. And those times, are when all we can do is trust God that it'll all be alright because it's His will.

Pretty,

2011-01-24T11:40:00.001+13:00

Whoop whoop! Blogger got new fonts! :) And now a few pretty photos. From various sources that I forgot to take note of. But if it helps, I found them on a Tumblr. I don't know whose it was though. Sorry! I do not claim and rights of these photos :)

Yeah, I think when I saved these pictures (bookmarked the photos) I was in a phase where I didn't feel like looking at their faces :P Haha, I like how these photos all go together and become prettier than it originally is. I just had to share this with anyone who still reads this blog! It's too pretty to not be shared! Whee! My blog's pretty! :)

Our God Is Greater,

2011-01-23T00:05:00.000+13:00

He really, really is!

He's greater than all of our fears, all of our doubts, all of our worries, all of our failures, EVERYTHING :) I'm proud to serve a great and mighty God. I'm blessed by Him, I'm His child. I love Him so much! :D

God, thank You for the constant reminders. Thank You for being with me 24/7. Thank You for using me. Thank You for choosing ME. Thank You for Your unfailing love. Thank You for bringing me here, I know You've amazing plans for me. Right now, I can't wait for them! I love You so much, God. You're soooooooooooo beyond amazing and every synonym of 'awesome'! :D

I live for YOU, God. No one and nothing else. Use me to do Your will now and forever more. Thank You for blessing me tremendously for these past years! Especially with all the wonderful people You've given me that have helped me grow so much more in You :') Thank You for giving me life to begin with, now I just want to commit it back to You and surrender every single thing I do and say into Your great hands. Let Your will be done in my life. Don't let me fall into the hands of the enemy, but deliver me from them.

Man, I really just can't stress how good You are, God!! :) :)

--

Find me here, and speak to me
I want to feel You, I need to hear You
You are the light that's leading me
To the place where I find peace again

You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose, You're everything

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and You give me rest
You hold me in Your hands, You won't let me fall
You steal my heart, and You take my breath away
Would You take me in, take me deeper now

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?

'Cause You're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything

You're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything

And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?
Would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?

- "Everything" by Lifehouse

Such a good song! Yeah, this doesn't require much explaining as to why it's such a good song :P Hehe, as long as you read it, you'll understand. Maybe even listen to it (I linked the one with the skit! :) you HAVE to watch it!!) if you haven't? :)

Ok, I think I'll end this post with a Bible verse! Philippians 4:8 says "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." :) Goodnight!

Ikennutthinkofatitlesothiswilldo,

2011-01-16T01:11:00.000+13:00

Just woke up, it's a brand new day
So many things that I wanna say
It's been a while since I've felt this way
Everything's ok, nothing feels broken

First day in a brand new town
What will it be like, will it all go down?
Everyday I'm gonna write this down
Right here in my diary

And all this time, while the world passes us by
What will we leave behind, but the pages of our lives?
And if we take our time, I bet we can all find
The things in life worth living for

One thing I know is that when life's moving slow
I'm not out here on my own, I've got You to get me through this
I'm on a long journey through mountains of apathy
And I'm not afraid to walk through

Everywhere I look it's all so different
Another city but it makes no difference
Still going through the same old issues
Everything's ok, nothing feels broken

With the days of the old behind me
Another summer and I feel like climbing
Write another page while the sun's still shining
Right here in my diary

And all this time, while the world passes us by
What will we leave behind, but the pages of our lives?
And if we take our time, I bet we can all find
The things in life worth living for

One thing I know is that when life's moving slow
I'm not our here on my own, I've got You to get me through this
I'm on a long journey through mountains of apathy
And I'm not afraid to walk through

Fading, hating, waiting for some place where I can fit in
Show me, grow me, hold me, till my balance starts to set in
Fading, hating, waiting for some place where i can fit in
Show me, grow me, hold me, till my balance starts to set in

All this time, while the world passes us by
What will we leave behind, but the pages of our lives?
And if we take our time, I bet we can all find
The things in life worth living for

One thing I know is that when life's moving slow
I'm not out here on my own, I've got You to get me through this
I'm on a long journey through mountains of apathy
And I'm not afraid to walk through

- "Boy Moves To New Town With Optimistic Outlook" by FM Static

Yeah, well, I think I can relate to this song quite a bit at the moment. FM Static is good stuff! :) Their newest album (Dear Diary) has really good lyrics. This song's just a small example.

Anyways, you have to watch the video! The animation's really cute. After this video, watch this one ("Her Father's Song") and then this one ("Take Me As I Am"). Yes, in order. It's like a story :) I found this out because I read a comment on the "Take Me As I Am" video. Someone said it, can't remember the user's name. It's there!

Life,

2011-01-15T23:49:00.000+13:00

God, I know this is Your will. I know that I love You and trust You. I know that I really am nothing without You. Yes, this may sound like the most cliched thing ever, but God, I mean it. From the bottom of this so-called heart of mine. 'So-called' because it's nothing compared to Yours. God, I'm going to keep my head up and look forward to the amazing things you have in store for me :) If I were to have it my way, I'd surely want to do all this exploring alone, just You and me. But if that isn't Your will, God, help me, remind me that whatever happens is Your will and what You've planned for my awesome life.

Oh, and thank You for this sudden joy You've implanted in me all of a sudden! Hahaha! :) Ahhhhh, I really do feel ~~happy~~ joyful (because I once heard in a sermon that 'joy' is an unexplainable feeling that comes, it's like happiness, but better :) ) all of a sudden! I am not kidding! God, You are so amazing! :D I love You!

And if it's Your will for me not to go to church tomorrow, then so be it. Yeah, I found it pretty weird at first. But I believe that You have greater plans for me :) Perhaps another church. Mmm, I can't wait for tomorrow somehow! :) Ok, devotions time! Goodnight blogger! :)

Happy,

2011-01-15T00:08:00.000+13:00

Yes, I am a very happy girl now! :D Photos have been making me happy. And because I think photo posts look nice, this post shall be one of photos! These are from 'Dairy' (2010) by Carl Kleiner:

Not many. Because I know it'll lag.

I can't say that I'm a super artsy person because I'm really not very art-inclined. But I do appreciate things :) I really like his photographs though. And these were just a few that caught my eye the most from this particular um, it's not exactly a 'collection'. Hmm, 'album'? No. Mmm, aiyo, I really don't know what you call it la, but you should go check out his website :) I especially love the Ikea... Stuff. I shall call it 'stuff' since I really don't know what it's supposed to be called.

Something else that's been making me very happy is this Tumblr. Hover over and see the link, it's pretty self-explanatory. Recommended for people with OCD or just really like neat things!

Also, I've come across this (RIGHT CLICK, OPEN IN NEW TAB SO THAT YOU WILL UNDERSTAND THE THINGS I AM ABOUT TO SAY). Quite interesting, I must say. Yes, it's more of a guys thing. But it's interesting to see things like this (you should've already opened the link in a new tab by now). Although I kinda have a phobia of knives, looking at pictures isn't so bad. But I didn't know so many guys carry around knives and guns :/ 'EDC' to me has always been 'edc by Esprit', the brand. Haha! It's always good to be exposed to different perspectives. Ok, maybe not ALWAYS good. But yeah.

Wow, this is a long post about pretty random things. Have fun looking at these blogs! I know I did/ do/ still will. Goodbye and goodnight! :)

Really,

2011-01-08T23:49:00.000+13:00

I just don't know anymore. And I think I'm afraid to somehow. But it wouldn't make very much sense for me to be afraid. Because well, what's there to be afraid of?

God, please tell me what to do.

I Can't Explain It,

2011-01-07T23:16:00.000+13:00

I feel down for some reason, and I have no idea what that reason is. I feel stubborn because I don't want to believe any of my current reality. I don't want to accept the fact that I'm living here. Sure, it's a beautiful place and the people are friendly and everything. But it's not home. Not even close. I'm some what with family (not sure I could really call them that because I feel like they're a family on their own and I'm just living with them for some odd reason). I think I'm just really homesick.

Yes, again, I am super lucky to be studying overseas at this age. But that over the people you love? I don't know. I think maybe I just miss the company I used to have daily during the holidays and the no curfew thing. Meh, it's complicated that no curfew thing. But it worked.

Everywhere I go, every price I see, I will multiply it by a little less than 2.5. Because that way, it'll be converted back to Malaysian currency. And by right, I shouldn't be doing that because I live here now. A friend told me that yesterday and it slapped me right in the face. "You live here now" I told myself in my head. It's such a scary thought. This really does feel very surreal to me.

I HAVE TO STOP TELLING PEOPLE THAT EVERYTHING'S FINE! Actually, nothing's really wrong. It's just that I have issues.

Okthanksbye!

Sleep Well Tonight,

2011-01-05T22:14:00.000+13:00

Last night, for no reason at all, I decided to just look out my window. And when I did, I was amazed. The night sky was so clear, you could see so many stars TWINKLING! Yes, I actually saw them twinkling! Made my entire day. I felt like going outside, lying down in my garden and just staring at the beautiful night sky that you'd almost never see back in KL. But I had already showered and all so I didn't. Haha! I was literally in awe though and I'm not sure why. It's not like I've never seen an amazing night sky before in my life, it just felt, different this time round.

Mae is good. I think they're good anyway. I LIKE! :D Made my day today to 'discover' them. I've heard of their name but I never listened to their music. So today when I did I was like "Why did I not listen to this sooner?!?!" Haha! Yes, I deem them that good. I can't download their discography or any of their songs though. The internet's horrible here. It's so slow and I have no idea why! And there are limitations! You can only open ONE application at one time or else it'll be even slower than it already is :/ So fail.

Ok, that's about it. Haha, I'm convinced this blog has no readers but whatever! Goodbye non-existent reader! :)

Now I Remember,

2011-01-05T17:27:00.001+13:00

I really don't have much to blog about :/ That's why I stopped blogging for a while. And besides, 'who still reads blogs' right? Well, I do occasionally. But yeah! I don't know what there is to blog about.

Mmm, maybe something will come to me later :) K, bye!

Only A Few Days Into A New Year..

2011-01-04T00:09:00.000+13:00

.. and already I've reached my crying quota. I've cried so much today and so many times. I really think this is part of God's plan to break me, maybe 'cause I'm not very emotional? Maybe because then I'll be able to be more empathetic? I don't know.

Sigh, I'm starting to miss everyone back home a lot now. Literally. Non of that 'I miss you too!' crap. I miss spending time with fun people, I miss knowing where I am, I miss the wonderful and cheap food, I miss fast(er) internet, I miss calling and texting (because I don't have a phone now (well, I do actually, but it's my sister's and it's my Malaysian sim card and I don't have roaming and even if I did, I wouldn't use it cause it's so flipping expensive) and even if I did, there's no one to text or call la), I MISS THE MALAYSIAN ACCENT, I miss having friends in real life (yes, I have yet to make any), I miss going to the cinema, I miss big fat air-conditioned shopping malls, I miss the rain, thunder and lightning (it's summer here so yeah), I miss healthy foooooooooood, I miss my bed, I miss thicker walls and doors, I miss Malaysia and everyone and everything in it :(

This should be called 'homesickness' right?

BUT, BUT, BUT! I am SO thankful because I'm incredibly fortunate to be studying here at 16 (16 sounds pretty old) 15 and a half! No, not a lot of people have this opportunity (or a super awesome PR!!). Yes, I get that I shouldn't be complaining and blah blah blah. BUT YOU CAN'T HELP IT IF YOU'RE HOMESICK, NOW CAN YOU? Sigh, I miss my Mum and Sister a lot :(

I REMEMBER WHAT ELSE I MISS A LOT! I MISS SHOPPING! The most I've gone to here are grocery stores (THEY ARE SO AWESOME HERE! SOME THINGS ARE SO CHEAP! AND OTHER THINGS ARE JUST AMAZING BECAUSE I NEVER KNEW SUCH THINGS EXISTED!) and Kmart. Hahaha! Heh, I want to shop for clothes and things :) When I make friends la. Oh boy, school starts in February for me. I must make this a productive holiday!!

This post is so mood swing-y. Haha! No, it's not that disgusting time of the month yet.